Lately a high-powered, energetic female authority figure said something I found hurtful. She didn't intend it to be that way, it's just her mode of doing things which clashes with my sensitive personality and also cultural expectations.
I'm glad to report that I did tell her about - albeit not in the best manner or timing -- and she did apologize via a note card. (Yeah,God! you're at work!)
I'm thinking I should get together with her to talk more, but find myself hesitant to call. I've been asking myself why that's so hard for me.
While I was driving on the freeway (look out cars, I'm thinking!), it occurred to me that in relationship to her I see myself as a small child. She's like a big authority figure, scary like my mother was when charged with a sense of her entitlement and anger.
I sensed God calling me to look at myself differently. Not to see myself as a child in relationship to her anymore.
Before I went to bed last night, as I often do, I asked God to work with my spirit while I sleep and separate out the things of past versus the things of the present.
I couldn't sleep. Unusual for me. I lay awake in bed from 11 pm to midnight.
Now the possible explanations of this phenomena are many: I drank caffienated ice tea that afternoon and I'm very sensitive to caffeine and I was charged up from not just one but three relational/ministry kind of excitements. But, I think also God has something in mind.
I got up at midnight and asked myself what I was feeling. I started crying. Inside lay a deep core of fear. The outer reasons was an e-mail I sent out at 10:15 pm which, in retrospect, appeared audacious to me - like the authority figure might take offense. That's the superficial reason for my fear.
But I knew the extent of the emotion was irrational, must have its source in childhood.
I prayed and asked God to help me and take me to the source and origin of my fear.
Much of my irrational fear has to do with seeing myself as very small in comparison to the big, smart, well-respected and liked authority figures in my church. Those "bears" (as my little, child self sees them) can squish, maul me.
In this memory that came back, I felt six inches tall and my mother towered over me like the Jolly Green Giant, but she wasn't jolly, maybe green. I could tell you what she was mad about, but it doesn't matter, it was a little thing regarding how she heard disrespect in my words. (Frankly, I think I just embarrassed her in front of a neighbor.) She didn't belt me or anything physically abusive like that. It was just her tone, her wrath that scored and squished me.
Anyways, with intense, painful emotions like that we take a vow, we determine in our childhood minds to never experience that again by .... For me it was,
I will not trust anyone bigger than me that they will hear my voice unless I confirm in the moment with them that they do respect me/want to listen
I vowed to always protect myself, to not take emotional risks with female authority figures.
Jesus came – flooded the scene with light – now I can see my mom – just the image of a little, tuny bear inside of her, something so small as a child's teddy bear, yet fierce because it's so scared. I can see that now, I can feel it on an emotional level.
Yet, I know that living it out will be hard.
And for any of who pray, please pray that I can keep staying in awareness and belief in Jesus's love in such a way that it delivers me from all my fears.
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