On Friday morning I knew I'd be going to a Christmas party at a beautiful home that night. On the way home from tutoring English, the urge to drive in to Stanford shopping center almost overcame me. I wanted the newest fashion of holiday clothes--not my black top bought last year at Nordstrom's sale.
What kept me back was not the thinness of my wallet, but knowing that an hours spent shopping would keep me from writing my novel or having as much to give to people who needs basics, like groceries. These are truly hard times for many.
Saturday Collin delivered canned goods collected by MA highs school kids. I went on the first two of the six deliveries he made. When one woman opened her apartment I could see bunk beds in their living room. Probably six people in a tiny one-room apartment.
"God is always a giver" - one of the many outstanding points in the sermon by our pastor John Ortberg today. And when we give to others, God gives back. I needed to hear that.
You see, I'm tired. It's easy to believe the random thoughts like I've given too much and haven't spent enough time to people who can and will give back to me.
What I chose to give lies behind me and I was happy at the time of giving. I need to look ahead to what I can do in order to meet my own needs. I've scheduled a hike with a neighbor friend for Thursday--that's a way of planning for replenishment, a way that doesn't cost any money.
For Christmas our church is focusing on giving to those who truly need it, those who won't or can't pay us back. We learned that the 2nd Harvest Food Bank shelves are about empty, so for the next two Sundays we can bring goods to church and they will bring it to the food pantry. I'm going to make that opportunity known at the YMCA aerobics classes I attend and collect goods there.
I wrote a poem today and now I don't feel so tired. Weariness comes from emotions I haven't figured out, worked through, expressed to God. Writing the poem helped me do all that.
The Christmas season brings deep and complex emotions to me, but they needn't prevent me from giving.
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