The on-line world has been full of Asian Americans weighing on about Amy Chua's book claiming Chinese mothers are superior.
http://www.mercurynews.com/family-relationships/ci_17100944?source=most_emailed
The San Mateo times has interviewed Chinese-American mothers local to my area. I was glad to see that both moms interviewed thought it bad to shame their children by calling them names. One talked about how she admired her mother as a "stuffed tiger," but couldn't copy her.
But Amy Chua is not an anomaly. We've heard through our daughters about friends of Chinese background and the great pressure they feel. My husband is of Korean extraction and from a high acheiving famly, but of Hawaii - a more layback culture. My German-English parents thought education the key to success and expected A's, but my dad also told me not to work too hard in college.
Together my husband and I have forged a parenting philosophy that has seen two daughters off to college and great success there, albeit not Ivy League Schools. But that was not what we were after.
We believe it wrong to purposefully shame our children. We don't want that sense of guilt and self-hatred and anger towards us for implanting it there. Also it's detrimental to push children towards achievement to such an extent they couldn't sleep well, form friendships or enjoy relaxed times. Healthy -physical, emotional, and spiritual -are of long value than grades and test scores.
Chinese mothers in the U.S. are up against a western culture that has, to some extent, abandoned the work ethic. Americans often don't value the same things as in the country they came from, mandating long years of classical piano playing a case in point. Thus they have to push where if they were back in CHina the culture there would reinforce their values. Also, the kids are disadvantaged by being immigrants - less English spoken at home, less knowledge of the culture, ete. Maybe this is part of the reason for the extreme pressure Chua advocates. When a person feels inferior, for whatever reason, they try to compensate by academic performance (and I have also done that myself)
One of our goals in parenting has been that our kids would still want to relate to us when they were adults, in contrast to some young people who have graduated from some prestigious college after many years of long study, but don't want to relate to their parents because they resent how they were pushed and manipulated.
We have encouraged our kids towards achievement and self-discipline by our own models, our prayers, and by affirmation when they did act responsibly, whether or not they received good marks on their work. Shaming and comparison are tools we have observed other parents use but we have rejected.
I believe progress and effort should be rewarded equally to making the top mark. If kids are in a "good" school, that school culture awards enough effort to the top mark and the peer influence adds pressure, so when the kids were in high school and college, we've been careful to affirm them for "B"s as well as "A"s if the effort has been there, or if the choice to do kingdom building (service to God) has caused grades to slip some.
Each kid needs to be treated individually according to what they need. Some will need prodding than others. Some kids are inherently sensitive and anxious and will need from their parents a different kid of parenting than a more phlegmatic personality.
We have also praised and prodded our kids not only for good academic effort and marks, but for being good friends. We believe that life is ulimately abour relationships, with God, self and others and that needs to come through in our examples and words.
The controversy Chua has touched off is about more than how hard parents should push their children, but about what is the purpose of life. What are the important things to strive for? Is it high marks, prestigious school? enjoyment of family? Making friends? Suceeding in sports? Having influence? Loving others and serving the poor? Getting to know God?
I believe that most answers other than the last are quite susceptible to becoming idols. They are not wrong in themselves, but the question is whether they displace God as our ultimate goal. Do they supplant the place that only God is meant to have in our lives? Has a good goal becomd a master that enslaves us and takes away an everyday peace and confidence in the worth of one's life?
After all, no one wants their kid to commit suicide or become mentally ill. At Gunn High School in Palo Alto, there are many Asians kids, creating a performance culture climate. More than one Gunnn student kid I've met has talked about the extreme academic pressure there. To show my point, within less than six months four Gunn students committed suicide, as reported the LA Times on Oct 23, 2009. Is this the price a mother might pay for being a tiger?
I want to parent like an eagle. An eagle does push its young out of the nest- but at the right time, when they are ready to learn to fly. And if the baby can't flap its wings right and starts to free fall, the mother comes underneath to raises him up and brings him back to the nest. I want to teach and to discipline, but to also support and protect--to feed a life, not rip it apart.
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